DUFFER:       Two fish salads with kale and beetroot please Irene

Yeah Beanzie is eatin’ one ‘a them. Look at the mug on him. He got the aul cholesterol checked last week and he was delighted with himself he got such a high score.  He couldn’t wait to get home and tell Bernie the good news.  She put him right though and now he’s banned from havin’ the aul cheese and ham toasties……hes goin’ mad

BEANZIE:      What are you pair talkin’ about?

DUFFER:    I’m just tellin’ her about the new healthier you since you scored so high in your test last week…….probably the highest mark ye ever got in a test wha?

BEANZIE:      Oh you’re fulla yer fun aren’t ye?  Well we’ll see if you’re laughin’ so hard when I’m deliverin’ the oration for ye above in Balgriffen.

You’re stuck in the stoneage when it comes to health. The thing about me is that I welcome change and embrace it with open arms.

DUFFER:       How are you embracin’ it?  You’ve been tryin’ to negotiate with Bernie to have a cheese toastie one day and the ham the next in case it was too much of a shock to your system to go cold turkey…..mind you, at least cold turkey would be the healthy option.

BEANZIE:     This is where you’re a complete Philistine.

It’s a known fact that the body will go into shock if ye deny it something that it’s used to……so ye need to ease yourself off it, slowly but surely.

DUFFER:       Is that why ye haven’t given up the drink?

BEANZIE:     Exactly.

As I explained to Bernie, it’s been proven that Guinness brings down cholesterol so if you’re easin’ off on the fatty foods ye probably need to replace some of the vitamins ye loose with Guinness.

DUFFER:       Who proved it, Oliver Reed?

BEANZIE:     World authorities on the virtues of Guinness, that’s who.

DUFFER:       So you and yer man from the Cedar’s then……

BEANZIE:     You can laugh all ye like but it’s why the Irish are statistically the longest living race in the world.

DUFFER:       Here’s your salad so.

BEANZIE:     Irene love, can you do me a plate a chips with that?

DUFFER:       Ah Jaysus Beanzie, you’re defeatin’ the purpose of the exercise, sure chips is full a fat.

BEANZIE:      Now I have ye there.

Who owns all the chippers?

The Italians, that’s who.

Did ye ever see a fat Italian?

No ye didn’t.

Game over ball burst

DUFFER:       Pavarotti.

BEANZIE:     What about him?

DUFFER:       Pavarotti was a fat Italian.

BEANZIE:     You’ve just proved my point.

DUFFER:       How have I proved it?

BEANZIE:     He was away all the time singin’ without any access to fish and chips and that’s when he put on all the ‘aul weight. If he had stayed in Italy he’d a looked like Twiggy.

DUFFER:       I don’t think they even eat fish and chips in Italy.

BEANZIE:     Ah for God sake, where d’ye think they learned to make them?  Sure there was no chippers in Ireland before the Italians.

I wonder about you sometimes.

Irene will ye throw a few a them deep fried sausages in with the Chips and make sure it’s done in the healthy fat. I don’t want Operation Tranformation here to be getting on me case.

DUFFER:       Ah sure anyways it’s great to see all the changes you’re makin’ Beanzie, they’ll stand ye in good stead.

BEANZIE:      Like I told ye Duffer I’m always open to change and you make sure Irene gives me mine.

I’m goin’ to the Jacks……