DUFFER:   Howya Paval can I have one ‘a them Americanos and a hot chocolate made with water only for Beanzie

BEANZIE:  Tell him I don’t want any marsh mallows.

DUFFER:   He knows ye don’t want marsh mallows.  Aren’t we in here most days ‘a the week.

BEANZIE:  I’m just sayin’, and no offence to Paval, but I don’t want marsh mallows, I don’t want cream, I don’t want milk…..just water.

DUFFER:   Jaysus Paval ye better ask him yourself.

BEANZIE:  What did he say?

DUFFER:   He wants to know d’ye want sprinkles.

BEANZIE: Sprinkles?  Sprinkles? So that’s another thing I have to add to the list of things I don’t want on me Jaysusan Hot Chocolate.

Here Paval, I don’t want cheddar cheese or waifo ham on it either so do I need to tell ye that?

DUFFER:   He’s only windin’ ye up Beanzie. Keep the cool.

BEANZIE:  He should remember who his friends are. We were very good to him when he came over first.

DUFFER:   All you did was shout at him in a Dutch accent. Sure his English was better than ours even then.

BEANZIE:  Excuse me, I talked to him all about the history of Russia……Stalin, Lenin and even up to Gorbychov…..made him feel at home.

DUFFER:   Paval’s Polish Beanzie.

BEANZIE:  Anyway what’s this Americano shite?  When you and Mary had the cafe it was called a black coffee. I’d be afraid ‘a me life what I’d be askin’ for when I come in here now. Star bleedin’ Bucks how are ya.

DUFFER:   Never mind that, what about Sunday now that we’re not in it?

BEANZIE:  Well, first and foremost. I hope neither ‘a them wins.

DUFFER:   So you’re lookin’ for a draw?

BEANZIE:  No, I’m lookin’ for both ‘a them to lose.

DUFFER:   That doesn’t make any sense.

BEANZIE:  Well it does to me and I’ll tell ye why.

If Donegal wins it only encourages the other eight counties up there and we’ll have them down here annoyin’ us for the next ten years and if Kerry wins it’ll be the start of a new dynasty so either way we’re bollixed.

DUFFER:   Ah I wouldn’t mind seein’ Donegal win it.

BEANZIE:  Ye see this is where you never think things through.

Ulster is fierce contrary. If Donegal wins McGuinness will be around every county in the province rallyin’ the troops, gettin’ them revved up for next year and like I said, we’ll be stuck with them for years to come. Have you forgotten ‘92?

DUFFER:   I don’t see why McGuinness would give a shite about the other counties, he’s Donegal’s manager.

BEANZIE:  Not Jimmy McGuinness ye muppet, Martin McGuinness, the funny half of the Chuckle Brothers. He’s well used to rallyin’ the troops. That’s what I’m sayin’. He’d be all over the province gettin’ them out trainin’ to make sure Ulster win the next ten.

Adams’d have to be more discreet seein’ as he’s TD for Louth.

DUFFER:   Well he could rally all he wants in Belfast cause Antrim will win fuck all. In fact Louth has more chance of an All Ireland than them.

BEANZIE:  D’ya think Paisley’d made a good full back if they could ‘a got him togged out back in the day?

DUFFER:   Big Lad.

BEANZIE:  He’d ‘a been a good spoiler wha?

DUFFER:   You’d ‘a heard him shoutin’ when he was goin’ for the ball all right.

Would Keaveney have got the better of ‘im d’ya think?


DUFFER:   Quiet aul end for such a big mouth all the same.

BEANZIE:  Well to paraphrase the bible he quoted so much ‘You’re going to reap just what ye sew’.

DUFFER:   Would he have made the Kerry team instead of Bomber Liston?

BEANZIE:  Nah I’d say he’d keep givin’ away frees ‘OUT OUT OUT’.

DUFFER:   Jaysus can ye imagine if he was the manager, you’d be worn out with the half time talk.

BEANZIE:  Miwadi only when you won the Sam.

DUFFER:   So no Gooch this Sunday wha?

BEANZIE:  Never be fooled by Kerry.

Heffo, the lord be good to him, was never fooled by them and neither am I. A new dynasty me arse. Trample them into the ground and squash them so they can never get up. They’re like one ‘a them snakes where ya chop of his head and he grows a new one.

DUFFER:   Here Beanzie get off the fence and say what ye think. We’ve done well on them over the last few years.

BEANZIE:  But they still come back even though it’s only once a year ‘cause they’re too tight to travel up until All Ireland day and even though we have the Internet and all now, they still bring sandwiches.

DUFFER:   You’ve a dilemma all right Beanzie. What are ye goin’ to do?

BEANZIE:  I’m goin’ to bring Bernie to see ‘The Inbetweeners’. We’ll go for a couple in the Cedars and I won’t read the papers and with any luck I’ll never know the result. Next year little Brogan will be old enough and I can bring her to see her first match….the proud Grandad.

DUFFER:   So no social media in your gaff then?

BEANZIE:  I’ve an anti social Labrador and a half deaf mother in law so that’s enough for me.

Come on the Dubs.